MOVIES THAT SUCK! “Within the Pines.” / “Duchess.” / “Silent Hours.” / “Deadline.” / “Postal.” / “Dunsmore.”

“Within the Pines” (2024, Tubi) Australian independent horror-thriller. The plot follows a sound recordist who, while capturing audio in an isolated forest, becomes hunted by an unknown entity. 



       What do some critics say about this little project? “Focused, minimalist narrative.” “Well-made.” “Suspenseful atmosphere.” And more approving albeit spaced-out superlatives. Okay. Really?

       Written, directed, and produced by a dude whose name sounds so boringly familiar: Paul Evans Thomas. Let's be honest here. Nothing happens in this obviously vegemite-budgeted indie, and nothing really ends, although the start is intriguing.

       Anyhow, nothing here suggests “horror” or “thrilling.” Or suspenseful. Although the character could be “hunted by an unknown entity” or hunted later (in our post-watch imagination) we will never know. This movie is a little waste of time, while you also do other little chores in the kitchen. 🎥💻📽


“Duchess” (2024, Fawesome) British crime-thriller. A petty criminal rises through the diamond smuggling underworld. 


       This b-movie fare is blatantly chauvinist in women's bodies. And Charlotte Kirk's Scarlett a.k.a. Duchess is both parody and denial, in the worse kind. 

       To think that director Neil Marshall isn't an awful filmmaker. His handling of “Centurion” (2010) and “Hellboy” (2019) were fine to me. 🎭👎🎬


“Silent Hours” (2015, Amazon Prime) British slow-burn neo-noir thriller. When women he has recently bedded are brutally murdered and mutilated, an ex-Navy officer turned private investigator becomes the prime suspect. 



       There is nothing psychological or thrilling about this film, written and directed by Mark Greenstreet. Never mind that this project has bankable character performers Indira Varma and Hugh Bonneville. 🎥💻📽


“Deadline” (2009, Fandango) psychological horror. Stars Brittany Murphy as a writer who retreats to a haunted house. 



       Five minutes into this movie, I didn't know where it's going. From that point, the scenes sort of go to and fro. Of course, we've seen a lot of these “writer thrillers.” The best: Barton Fink, The Shining, Misery, Naked Lunch, Secret Window, Henry and June.

       This “Deadline” is definitely one of the genre's worst. 🎥💻📽


“Postal” (2007, Fawesome) action comedy. A phony cult leader hires a jobless trailer-park denizen to help him carry out his plot to save his compound from closure.



Meanwhile, Osama bin Laden and his minions plan to lace copies of a popular cartoon character with biological agents. 

       This supposedly satire film is so stupid that I wonder why veteran talents like J. K. Simmons and Seymour Cassel signed up to be part of the juvenile silliness. 

       As expected, this junk is a box office flop, grossing $146,741 against a $15 million production budget. But I didn't give up watching till the end credits. The Osama guys are kind of funny.

       Director Uwe Boll's 2005 film adaptation of the video game “Alone in the Dark” is considered one of the worst films ever made. I tried this “Postal” thing because I read that this could be Mr Boll's best work. Really.

       Anyhow, I think Uwe changed career to restaurant business. Seriously. 🎭👎🎬


“Dunsmore” (2003, Amazon Prime) drama/thriller. An investigator probes the murder of a town bully in a small Southern town. 



       The film is based on a true story, specifically inspiring the case of Ken McElroy. Surprisingly, this movie rewarded director Peter Spirer with a Jury Award at the Ojai Film Festival in 2003.

       Whatever the case, “Dunsmore” lacks dramatic tension or any cinematic value that could've lit up the other compelling true-life material. 🎭👎🎬


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